seeking for something
I think I’ve come to understand a fundamental thing about myself and my personality…
I’m seeking recognition.
I want to get involved in something bigger than myself, and become someone recognizable. Not necessarily famous, and not for anything frivolous, but I want to be someone in some field or another such that if you were to say my name, others in the field would immediately know who you’re talking about.
But what? And how? And is it possible, with such an egotistical goal, to maintain some degree of humility? Or is that asking too much?
I think that was my goal in fansubbing … something I achieved in the distro days, and then somewhat lost when I started actually fansubbing, overshadowed by big names like “crustol and torgan”, or just driven into obscurity by the apparently minor role I played.
I guess that’s also sort of what tempted me to go back to it, when they asked me to take over as group leader again, before my brain kicked in and said “that’s the stupidest thing you could possibly do right now”.
Then I wonder … is the degree of humility I do wear just a weak front? Am I in fact just a hugely egotistical bastard?